[audio=http://www.wrzuta.pl/aud/file/qZMtUsCW1Y/1.mp3]

[Samuel Christian]
You ready?

[Knoc-Turn'al]
Yes, ha ha ha
Yeah, yeah
Let's go, I like singing

[Knoc-Turn'al]
My music, my life, my heart, my soul
My music, my everything, I give my all
My wife, my daughter, my love, my dream
My mother, my father, my brother, my team
My camp, my squad, my house, my car
My boat, my shoes, my pants, my shirt
My coke, my sugar, my cream, my butter
My toast, my all, my queen, my folks

[Chorus: Samuel Christian]
My baby! Walk like six strings
Talk like she's my everything
My baby! Loves me, hates me
Leaves me, runs right back
That sexy lady! All I know
She shares all my confusion, so
My baby! Will not run from an-y-thing
I swear this though

[Knoc-Turn'al talking]
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep
If Muzik should die before I wake
I pray the Lord, my soul to take

[Knoc-Turn'al]
She's thick, she's bad, so clean, she's fine
She loves, she hates, she laughs, she cries
She hurts, she lies, she's Bonnie, I'm Clyde
She's ghetto, she's real, she sings, she rhymes
She comes, she goes, she lives, she dies
She sexy and bomb, she blows my mind
She stays in line, she's smart, she's funny
She's crafty and cunning, in the game she's running
Her lips, her back, her waist, her thighs
Her face, her skin, her hair, her eyes
Her voice, her shape, her hips, her mind
Her love, her smile, her touch, her time

[Chorus]

[Knoc-Turn'al]
I'm tipsy, I'm through, I'm drunk, I'm blunted
My way, my day, my life - I love it
I move, I groove, I shake, I love it
My friends, my kins, I like, I love it
I show, I prove, I live, I learn
I show, I teach, I run these streets
My kin, my heart, my heat, my rhythm
My rap, my beat, my life, my head and my feet
My heart, my soul, my candy, my cake
My platinum, my gold, my land, my gate
My Benz, my lake
My keys, my money, my love, my hate
My clothes, my phone, my house, my home
My money, my comb, my sugar, my spice
My base, my chrome
My rhythm, my music, my home
My world, my girl, my life, my home, my...

[Chorus] - repeat until fade

Thanks for the lyrics to Knoc-turn's Lyrics/Muzik's Lyrics.html and for the music to muzik_the_transporter/2.html

CINTA

Menapak Jalan Yg Menjauh
Tentukan Arah Yg Ku Mau
Tempatkan Aku Pada Satu Peristiwa
Yg Membuat Hati Lara

Di Dekat Engkau Aku Tenang
Sendu Matamu Penuh Tanya
Misteri Hidup Akankah Menghilang
Dan Bahagia Di Akhir Cerita

Reff:

Cinta, Tegarkan Hatiku
Tak Mau Sesuatu Merenggut Engkau
Naluriku Berkata, Tak Ingin Terulang Lagi
Kehilangan Cinta, Hati Bagai Raga Tak Bernyawa

Aku Junjung Petuahmu
Cintai Dia Yg Mencintaiku
Hatinya Dulu Berlayar, Kini Telah Menepi
Bukankah Hidup Kita Akhirnya Harus Bahagia

Di Dekat Engkau Aku Tenang
Sendu Matamu Penuh Tanya
Misteri Hidup Akankah Menghilang
Dan Bahagia Di Akhir Cerita

Repeat

Reff

Cinta Biar Saja Ada
Yg Terjadi Biar Saja Terjadi
Bagaimana Pun Hidup Hanya Cerita
Cerita Tentang Yg Meninggalkan
Dan Yg Ditinggalkan

composed by : Melly G.

pic diambil dari sini

Little does she know, but my heart is found at the bottom of that glass.

Yesterday I preached at the morning service of camp. I got to present to them the message of the gospel, more specifically the purpose of atonement. Preaching to teenagers is much harder than preaching to adults. Not because teenagers are dull or easily bored, because they actually are not. It's hard for 2 reasons.

1. Fear. Not human fear, but the fear of the Lord. There is a brevity that comes with teaching adolescents about the things of God. They're hearts and minds are so moldable, that you feel the weight of making sure to pastor their hearts with wisdom from heaven and not just hype them up with words to get them pumped up. I rather give them the tools of the word the best way I know how in order to help them effectively walk out their sanctification.

2. With teens you have to really know the Word. Because you have to make it as simple as possible so they both pay attention, and understand. Yesterday when I talked about atonement. I realized that I was going to have to start all the way back in Ex. 24 and explain how Yom Kipour was foreshadowing what Jesus would do for us thousands of years later. Don't know if I effectively got them to understand, but the response at the was good. I am still and hopefully always learning.

I love preaching to teens. I may even have some audio for you all later from that message.

I also got to interview some of the teens testimonies for God TV so you can expect that this weekend during the Fascinate Teen conference here at IHOP which will be live on God TV.

So I have a FULL day again today. However, thanks to the advice from my beloved fiance' I am going to take some more breaks this week. So maybe I'll blog a little more.

much love to you all.  .::zack

Puisi yang romantik
Menetes dari bibir

Murung itu sungguh indah
Melambatkan butir darah

Nikmatilah saja kegundahan ini
Segala denyutnya yang merobek sepi

Kelesuan ini jangan lekas pergi
Aku menyelami sampai lelah hati

Yes i did that again!! I don't know why i involuntarily do that whenever i see that scene. I tried not to do that, but i couldn't.

I did that, then i tried to hide it from my friend who was using the system and was busy with his movie which he was watching in comp. I succeeded in hiding my emotion from him, but this time also i failed to control my emotions. There are times when even tough people will be finding it difficult to control their emotions,which they find not to expose to others. And i did it again.

Yes, I cried again, without any physical pain. I remember i used to do this always when i see this scene.God knows whats the magnetic effect in that scene that is pulling the tears out of my eyes. But truly telling from experience, after you cry you will feel better and its like the "refresh" in your computer.Every time i cry i used to think, when i cried last time. Truly telling no one like to cry, more than that no one like to face a situation which make them cry. But this particular situation i like to cry every time and i feel better to do that. I feel i can at least cry for them, or its a reminder for my duties for my society. Yes its my "Reminder for my Duties" to My Society, My Country, My fellow Young Brothers and Sisters.

Once again i watched the movie "Swades,We, the People(2004)", one of the marvelous work by Ashutosh Gowariker after his block buster movie Lagaan. Where Lagaan speaks about the spirit and team work of one bunch of people before Indian Independence, i felt proud to be an Indian. The only thing that was lacking in that era was that we were under British rule. But swades, which is a most modern movie, telling about the story of Modern India. I'm happy to say that we are living in an Independent India. But the bad thing in this modern civilised India is Poverty.In both the movies, there was a sick point that the director tried to dig out and he completely succeeded in that effort.And i liked this bollywood movie because i felt that this is one of the very few bollywood movie which had a strong story and script which made the people think that the Hero Sharukh didn't had much to do.And this didn't show off the style of the hero that disappointed the hi fi movie watchers. Due to this reason it was an average movie in bollywood , but for me its a wonderful movie.

That scene, i can't forget in my life. One kid , around the age of 9 or ,selling water to the passengers in the train, when the train reaches a rural station,somewhere in North India. Heartbreaking scene and the most touching scene that i have scene in any movie. May be people get sympathetic after seeing some horrible scenes, like death, torturing and all, but this was such a scene that the message was conveyed without showing any physical harm.He sells one cup of water for just 25 paise, and the way he sell the water is so heart touching. He walk from one side of the platform to the other end and shouts at his full volume "pachis paisa ek glass..paaani lo paani.Saab, ek glass pani lo na(water for sale.one glass of water for 25paise.SIr,please take one glass water)". The shot starts when the train is approaching the station and along with the train, this guy also runs towards the platform.He is not stopping to take his breathe,instead he shouts at his full volume. At last he finds the customer in hero and the hero, who usually carries a bottle of mineral water with him always, buys the water from the guy. He gives the money afterward and soon the train starts. Meanwhile the guy counts the money in his and most of them are coins. That curious face of counting his earning is so heart feeling, that you will literally cry.If not it may be my problem that i cry for silly matters.

I recently saw in a website discussing about this movie and a curious viewer asking the question "whether this is true in India and whether is this scene too much exaggerated.". A country like India which has most modern weapons, nuclear bombs, highly ranked intelligent brains and all, but also the other side is similarly highly pathetic. The golden words repeats here "Rich become Richer and Poor become Poorer". And very pathetic thing is that the question was asked my a lady from India. Come on man, in which India you are leaving. Can't you see the world around you, or are you pretending to be blind to these situations.

Whatever it be, there is this serious issue of poverty and child labor India. Without eradicating poverty we can't blame on the practice of child labor also. Its time for the action and i feel please help the the kids at least who are finding it difficult for finding their food for one day.

Please help them.

here it goes, actually i couldnt sleep well at night. partly coz of the food that i ate the night before, lots of 'chillies' ..., oh yeah, went to newton circus for dinner for the first time in sg, met 'hen', 'wel', 'sin', 'and', 'dia', 'erw', 'mer' .... kinda a gathering ...; and also partly coz of the butterflies that flew ard in my stomach ... felt nervous, touched up the cumi keychain a little ... and the starfish as well ... put them in a box ... and they looked pretty cool ... haha

woke up after sleeping for 3 hours, not sure why, then went outside to check whether the newspaper had been delivered ... bingo, yeah outside the door. so read the newspaper, took me abt 30 mins or so ... then went back to sleep again until 9am ... took shower, ate breakfast, off to mrt to meet 'dol' ... supposed to meet at 11am, but she was late .... hahaha

then we off to town, had lunch ... oh ate the yummilicious xlb ... and other foods as well. quite nice, but too filling somehow. i know 'dol' eats a lot, but i observed she couldnt finish also ...

went to watch movie ... penelope ... mmm, i think i wont believe imdb for some reason. the rating for that movie is pretty good, 7.3/10 ... so maybe i expected too much. and it turned out that it was quite boring ... kinda regretted that this surprise turned out to be a letdown ... oh yeah, previously 'dol' and i wanted to watch either zohan or never get down, but i tried to be smart, changed it to penelope ... hahha my fault 'dol', sorry for that ... :p

then we went to try the choco fondue at swiss culture, i think the fondue was quite nice, just that the choco was a bit too sweet for my liking. i had two spoonfuls of choco into my mouth ... hahaha. 'dol' said that the choco at sc was better than the one at haagen daz. okie, at least u like it ... :) oh yeah, at this place, they kept playing the same songs, by jamie marz?, is that right 'dol'? ... haha but the song was lovely, really ... and those cranberries' songs as well, luv them ... oh yeah, and the cumi keychain and starfish surprises ... ahahahah hope u like them ... :)

walked ard suntec city a bit ...then went to 'ops i forgot that place' to watch f1 with her. i think i kinda enjoyed the race ... there should be a next time 'dol' .... and i am sure hamilton will win it ... not ur kimchi, ops i mean kimi :p .... hahaha

then went home ... 

'dol', i thot actions speak louder ... but i may be wrong ... oh yeah, i really like the conversations we had at somewhere near merlion there ...

abt ur question just now ... i will let u know next time ...

overall, i luv today ... i am happy and tired

Message: Seorang pelanggan merasa kesulitan untuk menginstall Cinta Kasih yang baru saja ia dapatkan. Kemudian ia menghubungi Customer Service untuk dapat memberikan petunjuk langkah-langkah menginstal Cinta Kasih secara benar melalui telephon.

Linx-Lunx[LL]: Ya, ada yang bisa saya bantu?

Pelanggan [P]: Baik, setelah saya pertimbangkan, saya ingin menginstal cinta kasih. Bisakah anda memandu saya menyelesaikan prosesnya?

LL: Ya, saya dapat membantu anda. Anda siap melakukannya?

P: Baik, saya tidak mengerti secara teknis, tetapi saya siap untuk menginstalnya sekarang. Apa yang harus saya lakukan terlebih dahulu?

LL: Langkah pertama adalah membuka HATI anda. Tahukan anda di mana HATI anda?

P: Ya, tapi ada banyak program yang sedang aktif. Apakah saya tetap bisa menginstalnya sementara program-program tersebut aktif?

LL: Program apa saja yang sedang aktif?

P: Sebentar, saya lihat dulu, Program yang sedang aktif adalah SAKITHATI.EXE, MINDER.EXE, DENDAM.EXE dan BENCI.COM.

LL: Tidak apa-apa. CINTA-KASIH akan menghapus SAKITHATI.EXE dari sistem operasi Anda. Program tersebut akan tetap ada dalam memori anda, tetapi tidak lama karena akan tertimpa program lain. CINTA-KASIH akan menimpa MINDER.EXE dengan modul yang disebut PERCAYADIRI.EXE. Tetapi anda harus mematikan BENCI.COM dan DENDAM.EXE. Program tersebut akan menyebabkan CINTA-KASIH tidak terinstal secara
sempurna. Dapatkah anda mematikannya?

P: Saya tidak tahu cara mematikannya. Dapatkah anda memandu saya?

LL: Dengan senang hati. Gunakan Start menu dan aktifkan MEMAAFKAN.EXE. Aktifkan program ini sesering mungkin sampai BENCI.COM dan DENDAM.EXE terhapus.

P: OK, sudah. CINTA-KASIH mulai terinstal secara otomatis. Apakah ini wajar?

LL: Ya, anda akan menerima pesan bahwa CINTA-KASIH akan terus diinstal kembali dalam HATI anda. Apakah anda melihat pesan tersebut?

P: Ya. Apakah sudah selesai terinstal?

LL: Ya, tapi ingat bahwa anda hanya punya program dasarnya saja. Anda perlu mulai menghubungkan HATI yang lain agar dapat meng-upgrade-nya.

P: Oops. Saya mendapat pesan error. Apa yang harus saya lakukan?

LL: Apa pesannya?

P: ERROR 412 - 'PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENT'. artinya?

LL: Jangan kuatir, itu masalah biasa. Artinya, program CINTA-KASIH diset untuk aktif di HATI eksternal tetapi belum bisa aktif dalam HATI internal anda. Ini adalah salah satu kerumitan pemrograman, tetapi dalam istilah non-teknis ini
berarti anda harus men 'CINTA-KASIH'-i mesin anda sendiri sebelum men-'CINTA-KASIH'-i orang lain.

P: Lalu apa yang harus saya lakukan?

LL: Dapatkah anda klik pulldown direktori yang disebut 'PASRAH'?

P: Ya, sudah.

LL: Bagus. Pilih file-file berikut dan salin ke direktori 'MYHEART' MEMAAFKAN-DIRI-SENDIRI.DOC, dan MENYADARI-KEKURANGAN.TXT. Sistem akan menimpa file-file konflik dan mulai memperbaiki program-program yang salah. Anda juga perlu mengosongkan Recycle Bin untuk memastikan program-program yang salah tidak
muncul kembali.

P: Sudah. Hei! HATI saya terisi file-file baru. SENYUM.MPG aktif di monitor saya dan menandakan bahwa DAMAI.EXE dan KEPUASAN.COM dicopi ke HATI. Apakah ini
wajar?

LL: Kadang-kadang. Orang lain mungkin perlu waktu untuk mendownloadnya. Jadi CINTA-KASIH telah terinstal dan aktif. Anda harus bisa menanganinya dari sini. Ada satu lagi hal yang penting.

P: Apa?

LL: CINTA-KASIH adalah freeware. Pastikan untuk memberikannya kepada orang lain yang anda temui. Mereka akan share ke oranglain dan seterusnya sampai anda akan menerimanya kembali.

P: Pasti. Terima kasih atas bantuannya.

People make mistakes, but the mistakes that people make also make the people.

Kiriman: Yulia Abdullah

Sumber: www.prayoga,net

Lagu yang indah tentang sebuah harapan.. Harapan akan hidup yang lebih indah dan berwarna..

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

May my hope come true...

I finally paid the damn fee (again-Grrr!), which I am now comparing to standing on a highway overpass and throwing twenty dollar bills off into traffic, since I've yet to get anything tangible for my money except...well, we'll talk about that in a second.

Anyways, so I excitedly clicked on the link to look at my two pieces of mail. OMG, I was so excited. And it was so worth the wait and the $37.48 I threw off the highway overpass, since his profile was positively dreamy. It read as follows:

About my life and what I'm looking for:

wery well and suver you can meet me and i like drama book s riding , swiming .adventeggers, new freinds, honest. foweds. new idieas .art. travalings .studies. acitectuer, disainig.forest area.new finding maimings. helpfull .

Is it me or was that possibly not in English. I'm usually pretty good with words,  but I have no idea what Mr. Groove Thang was getting at. "Suver"?  "Adventeggers"? "Fowed"? Was that like when Elmer Fudd says "I'm looking fowed to meeting ywo witty!"

I guess "acitectuer" was probably "architecture" and "disainig" might have possibly been "designing". But its really the phrase "new finding maimings. helpfull", that I found, well, a little disturbing. I'm not saying that finding maimings might not be kind of fun thing to do, in a "CSI: New York" kind of way. But what the hell was this guy trying to say? Anyone?

As for the other sMatch.com goodies I've received in the last two weeks. Well, there was a wink from a guy in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka? WTF? Yeah, me too! I could just see this skinny little starving dude, hunched over his free Feed-the-Hungry laptop from Mac, at the side of the road, sitting in ox shit, looking down at the screen and saying, "Oh, that eez a good wooonabbi. I will wink at her. Maybe she will give me a penny, so I will not die."

And then there is the cowboy dude who keeps bugging me. He's 5'5", weighs 280 pounds (more than me, even!!), wears a huge cowboy hat, has a scruggly beard and wears sun glasses, undoubtedly to hide his identity from "America's Most Wanted". He has winked and written several notes. I guess he read that I'm a writer (AND I'M WRITIN' 'BOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, BROTHA!). Anyways, instead of trying to carry on any kind of thoughtful conversation or saying anything useful, he just keeps typing the same single sentence over and over:

"Maybe you can write a story about my gold nuggets".

Huh? Like ewww! Like I would really want to see, let alone write about your nuggets, dude.  If that's the best line you can come up with, you might want to take it down to Walmart or something. Because it sure ain't gonna work on me.

Of course we all have our profile names. And no I won't tell you mine. But I did see the fabulous CUMSEE. Okay, sure, maybe he's from Sri Lanka too and its a family name from like 20 generations back, but something tells me that the person who is suppose to catch naughty words down at sMatch.com, might be a Mormon or something. Why? Well, because everytime I make even a minuscule change to my ad, like take the words "overweight, hateful, neurotic nutball in the throes of menopause" and replace them with "thoughtful, kind woman who loves to laugh" (which is really sMatch code for "rough sex with small kitchen appliances"), you have to wait 24-72 hours for them to approve your wording and photos. I guess that is so that hookers and Republicans can't put up questionable photos (think: Dick Cheney dressed like a nun humping a goat or something).

I guess CUMSEE must have slipped through. Literally.

I have made an attempt to contact a few people I was interested in. A Jewish orchestra conductor. He wrote back once, since we had theatre people in common, but then he never wrote again. And then I wrote a shrink. Ha! Yeah! Isn't that funny? I liked his yearly income profile and liked what he had to say. And he was sardonic like me and he said he looked like Howie Mandell. So I wrote a humorous note to him, since the wink didn't do anything. And then he wrote back a nice note, but basically said "You lack confidence, so thanks but no thanks". Geeze, I can just go to my own shrink and get that news.

I also wrote one more guy, but he's never written back. He's a guitar playing Buddhist hippy who lives up in the woods with a cat. If you can't even pique the interest of a hippy out in the woods, just who can I find??

So that's what new on the sMatch.com front. I just had a call from my mother. She works at a thrift store once a week and had found a teal colored leather jacket for me. I was silent for a moment when she said the words:   "TEAL colored leather jacket". What is this? 1982. And then she said, "You do know what color teal is, right?" And I said, "Well, I am an artist. I would think I knew what teal is and no, I'm not interested. Thanks" Her: (after a long, exasperated pause) "I just wanted to get something to jazz you up, you're always so plain."

Now, why do I lack confidence again?

Nyata cintamu kasih

Tak sempat terbaca hatiku

Malah terabai olehku

Lelah ku sembunyi

Tutupi maksud hati

yang justru hidup karenamu

dan bisa mati tanpamu

Andai saja aku masih punya

kesempatan ke dua

Pasti akan ku hapuskan lukamu

Menjagamu.. memberimu.. segenap cinta

Ku sadari tak selayaknya

selalu penuh kecewa

Kau lebih pantas bahagia

Bahagia karena cintaku

Andai saja aku masih punya

kesempatan ke dua

Pasti akan ku hapuskan lukamu

Menjagamu.. memberimu.. segenap cinta

ooh.. ooh..

Kau bawa bersamamu

sebelah hatiku, separuh jiwaku

yang mampu sempurnakan aku

Andai saja aku masih punya

kesempatan ke dua

Pasti akan ku hapuskan lukamu

Memberimu.. segenap cinta

Andai saja aku masih punya

kesempatan yang ke dua

Pasti akan ku hapuskan lukamu

Menjagamu.. memberimu.. segenap cinta

Mengapa engkau jua tak memahami
Betapa aku senantiasa memperhatikanmu dan menyukaimu sedari dulu

Walaupun mungkin kita tak 'kan berdua, bersama

Maka
Biarkanlah hati dan rasa ini ada untuk senantiasa ada untukmu
Dan 'kan kusiapkan sebuah ruang kosong di hatiku untukmu
Sebagai tempat kenangan dan memori indah tentangmu

ps: untuk sesorang temanku, tetaplah tersenyum karena senyummu sungguh menyenangkan aku

Tadi malam someone call me, ngasi tau kalo kiriman Tati buat dia udah nyampe.. Kiriman itu undangan yang dititipkan buat disampaikan ke beliau... Terus tau2 beliau sms...

Kemaren saya diundang ke pernikahan seorang teman. Mulanya saya malas datang, karena memang saya merasa tidak nyaman untuk datang ke acara seperti itu. Tapi karena yang nikah mengundang langsung, saya akhirnya datang juga.. Setelah acara tersebut saya jadi berpikir, kalo teman saya aja bisa. Kenapa saya enggak...? Saya ingin mencoba lagi...

Tati, dalam hati berpikir semoga beliau ini sudah terbuka hatinya untuk seorang perempuan yang baik buat dia dan anak-anaknya...

Tati lalu membalas sms beliau.

Every single person has his own way, better not to compare your life with others. Syukuri aja segala yang ada saat ini. Mudah2an dengan rasa syukur itu, Yang Maka Kuasa berkenan mengabulkan doa-doa kamu.

Gak lama.., tidit tidit tidit tidit.. HP Tati berbunyi... Di layar terlihat nomor yang Tati gak terdaftar dalam phone book Tati.. Tapi Tati tau kode area-nya adalah kode area tempat beliau bermukim.. Tati lalu mengangkat telepon, karena bagaimanapun kita masih ada hubungan kekerabatan..

Tati : Iya...?

Beliau : Apa kabar..? dst dst dst..

Tati mencoba bersikap ramah, sebagaimana seorang kerabat seharusnya...

Gak lama setelah percakapan tersebut diputus, sebuah sms masuk ke HP Tati.. Dari beliau lagi.. Isinya :

Di sini lagi mati lampu, membuat saya susah tidur..

Waduhhh..........!!! Dari pada isi sms jadi gak jelas dan ntar merembet kemana-mana seperti dulu, Tati mutusin buat gak ngebalas sms tsb dan.... tidur aja ahhhh.... !!!! Dari pada urusannya kayak dulu dan lama banget baru berhenti...? Lagian sama kerabat kayaknya mendingan menghindar dari pada membuat beliau berinterpretasi berbeda dengan yang kita harapkan...

image diambil dari sini..

Dear Dad,
Still here, missing you.
How are things
going up there?
I wonder sometimes,
what it's like where you are.

Do they have boats
in the harbour that you
can watch and dream upon?
A nice, warm place
for you to nap in?
Baseball? Camel cigarettes
and black coffee?
Bowling and Budweiser?

Perhaps a camera shop -
what do you think
of those new-fangled
digital numbers?
And Photoshop?
Are you playing Johnny Cash
on your iPod?

I'm still here, missing you
growing tomatoes,
reveling in summer days
looking forward to the
4th of July
watching the moon and
asking it to send you
my love.

copyright 2008

Jaga cinta ku untuk nya

Begitu juga cinta nya pada ku

sampaikan salam ku untuknya

jaga dirinya untuk menjaga hati ku

Ya Robbi.......

Engkau sampaikan hati nya untuk ku

kan ku jaga

namun aku tak ingin dia tahu

apa yang ada di dalam isi hati ku

ku mohon kepada Mu

jika itu yang baik untuk ku

dekat kan hatiku dan hatinya

jika bukan untuk ku

jauhkan dari ingatan ku

At that time, I just completed my first semester as a transfer student.  Looking back on it, I still think it was the most difficult 15 weeks of my life.  Most days were trying and it seemed few found it worth their time to get to know me.  The experience marked me.  I packed up my car on the last day and moved home, knowing I wouldn't go back.

I moved to Florida that summer.  On June 8, I read, "God wants you to be something you have never been."  On June 12, I read, "Make no conditions, let Jesus be everything."  I sat on the lanai that night, transformed by the workings of God in my life.  I was completely content in being certain of one thing, in an uncertain world.

I look back on those days each year and I would agree some years were better than others.  But, as I turned the page today and flashed-back to 2003, I decided I couldn't do it anymore.  If I was going to choose to live, those hurts and disapointments, mistakes and poor decisions of the last 5 years would have to die.  I realized this year I tend to be a perfectionist.  When I'm not the best, when I don't succeed, and when I make a poor decision -- I am my own worst critic and my biggest disapointment.

I read 284 pages of Half-Life/Die Already  before I really identified with anything Mark Steele said. 

He writes,

"In many ways, it would have been easier to settle for a half-life.  No one would have ever discovered the stuggles, faults, failings, and frailty of my human existance.  It would all have died with me in the very end.  I could have smiled and waved. Smiled and waved.  I would have kept all my fans.  And I would somehow have crossed the finish line without ever being truly known or understood.  I would never be certain that the real me would have been accepted.  I would never know how wonderful the full life could have been.  This is exactly why I had to die already.  I had been playing dead, playing possum, rolling over with my feet in the air and tongue hanging out, praying the poundings would stop, never realizing that without pain I could never fully live.  Refinement, character, selflessness, vision, confidence, a mission.  These will not exist without the pain urging them forward.  Enough pain to change, enough pain to die.  The time to die has finally arrived," (285).

Tenth Avenue North wrote in one of their songs, "Please don't fight these hands that are holding you."  Some days I fight harder than others and it's made me weak.  I can't fight anymore.

The only way to find life was to die.

Because I am ready to live I know what I must do.

Every day of my life, for as long as I choose to live.

Steele, Mark.  Half-Life/Die Already.  Colorado Springs, 2008.