Thumbprint, scratches, light leak

Scratches, light leak, water spots

double exposure

Light leak, scratches, thumbprint

Light leak

Over agitation, squeege streaks

Accidental exposure to film

Sigh. This is all part of the learning curve. At least I am making these mistakes with 'non-critical' film. The more mistakes I make now the better. It is a bit disheartening though but perseverance is key to mastering anything.

Changes I am making are as follows:

1. Wear surgical gloves
2. Be more certain in mixing chemicals
3. Mark all film with info if I am changing film half way
4. No squeege
5. Use distill water
6. Ensure film reels are completely dry
7. Buy more film reels
8. Use photo-flo
9. Rewind the film and take it out as soon as finished

I'll add more as I think of them....

Today has been peaceful.  I have been waiting for my insurance paperwork, but still have not received anything.  I know everything will work itself out.  I was told by the school district that there would be no lapse in my coverage once "Cobra" processes the paperwork.

I was able to handle this situation calmly and got the answers I needed.  I noticed that by speaking calmly, I got such a positive response from those I spoke with.  I need to remember this and consistently practice my communication skills.  I believe now that whenever I spoke with anyone when I was upset or manic, the only result was defensive behavior from the person I was speaking with which then triggered that defensive posture from me.  Good grief how unproductive.  I feel ashamed for the way I have acted and behaved in the past as the "old" me.  How many bridges have I burned even though people close to me warned me about what was going to happen.  I now realize that was bipolar at its worst.  A situation is not handled, instead I become manic and destroy what could have been a positive experience.  How many times have I just blown it?

That was the "old" me and I have to live with what I have done, but that doesn't mean that I have to, or will, live like that any linger.  There is now hope.  There is now a reason for my actions that I can remember and learn from.  I think by practicing CBT I will be bringing up many bad things from the past.  I know I will experience guilt while recalling, but I can't beat myself up.  We should all learn from our mistakes and do our best to move forward.  It is so hypocritical of me.  I recall telling my students to always try.  You are going to make mistakes, but the only way we grow is through making mistakes.  It is the intelligent person that makes mistakes and learns.  It is the ignorant person who never tries, or does and makes mistakes only to never learn.  How could I give such valuable advise to my students without ever truly practicing it myself?

I guess it shows that I have a great logical understanding, but because of the symptoms of my illness I never thought things pertained to me.

Wow!!!  I need to spend a great amount of energy to go back in time in my mind.  I need to remember as many life-changing manic episodes as possible.  I must determine what triggers were present, how I reacted to them, and what consequences were both in my actions and my emotions.  This is going to take some time, but it is something that has to be done.

As I have done a hell of a lot of unnecessary stuff in the last years but just started this blog today it will take me a while to catch up and hopefully remember all unnecessary mistakes I have done.

There we go, there it is- the first mistake: if you have done something what you don't want to repeat,write it down, otherwise you might forget what it is and do it again. Sounds ridiculous, but as I did not write down any of the unnecessary things I did I might not remember them and I am now running the risk of doing them AGAIN. Brilliant.

Regarding the Mind-

The Situationist has an interesting post on the forbidden fruit phenomenon and how a perceived restriction in our freedoms causes us to act, or want to act, directly against any prohibition, especially adolescents and young adults.  It has led to a counter-intuitive, "don't vote" campaign aimed at youth.  Whatever you do, don't read it!

Vaughan at Mind Hacks has a wildly entertaining post about the mind and popular music in which he makes the claim that "Everything I know about psychiatry I learned from Heavy Metal"

The Eide Neurolearning Blog takes a look at a new study that supports the idea that we use different methods to learn as we grow and mature.  It appears children tend to respond more to positive reinforcement and adults tend to respond more to their own mistakes.

Regarding the Soul-

      At Blogger of Jared, Eric Nielsen has a delightfully funny and touching series inside the mind of one Earl Johnson, Ordinary Latter-day Saint with a heart of gold and an overactive imagination.  Think Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Krueger's Christmas going about the routine of Mormon church life.

   First Things on the Square has footage of a wonderful interview of Bruce Porter, a member of the first quorum of the seventy, or general authority, in the LDS church, and Gerald McDermott, a religious scholar and episcopal priest, with interviewer R. R. reno, a devout Catholic, partly in response to an essay by an evangelical, in which Reno does an amazingly perceptive job delving into the tired old question of whether Mormons are Christian.

     At Mormon Organon, Steve reflects on an Islamic author who laments the loss of a once vibrant and flourishing Muslin culture to whom the West owes much more than it realizes,  Steve argues that the cultural switching of Dark Ages stagnation and Renaissance has come about largely through the rise and fall of religious fundamentalism in each culture. 

Regarding the Body-

The Discovery channel reports that scientists have found a way to grow smell receptor cells in the lab, perhaps paving the way for artificial bomb and drug sniffers to replace dogs in the future.

At Musings of a Distractible Mind, Dr. Rob, a fellow "connoisseur of the infant," continues his humorous, yet educational look at the physician examination of the baby, this time going in depth into matters of the heart.

At Dr. Gwenn is in, the good doctor shares a very important reminder for parents that over the counter cough and cold medicines are actually very bad for children.

or All the Above-

At PalliMed, Thomas Quinn examines the 40 year history of Brain death, in a post sparked the head line "Are you Brain Dead? Depends on the Hospital."  I should note that while I often feel brain dead when post call, I have yet to find a hospital that would declare me so.  Rest easy, if you can read this, brain dead you are not.

My Google reader seems to have and dying on the mind this week, as the Anesthesioboist shares her own agony faced with actively participating in the futile prolonging of life in a situation we doctors face all too often, ending with information on how you can keep this from happening to you.

For  a complete death and dying hat trick, I again return toPalliMed, where Amber Wolleson, MD takes an interesting look at the portrayal of death by Walt Disney movies and how it has changed over the past century, both reflecting and forming many of our cultural notions about death today.

Edwin Leap, MD shares a unique and beautiful take on the biblical notion of the Gift of Tongues, as he describes the aches and pains of the heart and soul that lead so many to the Emergency room, and the frustrations and pain caused by the lack of fluency on the part of physicians everywhere. 

and just because I Liked it-

At Not Exactly Rocket Science, Ed Yong has a rather creepy post that informs us that parasitic worms that like to live in the human gut are actively tracking us by our chemical trail even as we speak.  Try and rest easy, now that I have opened your eyes to what it is that stalks you. 

At Movin' Meat, Shadowfax, an ER Doc in the Pacific Northwest and self proclaimed "card carrying member of the angry Left," argues a need for clearer language in the health care debate, boldly stating that Health Care is not a right.  Lest you think he is a turncoat, he does assert that health care for all in our society is a true moral obligation, mirroring and yet clarifying my own thoughts on how health care is both right and privelege.

The annual Ig Nobel prizes have been announced at Improbable Science.  This is a entertaining and intlligent look at scientific studies that at first make you laugh, then make you think.  Brilliant!

Grunt Doc has announced the winner of his caption contest with this hilarious entry.  Check out the runner up captions at his site.  (note the "Doc" that won the prize is not me, but a Psychiatrist in Virginia.  No doubt he stole this supremely original and unique handle idea from yours truly.

   That's all I got for this time.  This month has been so busy, I am amazed I got anything in, but no worries, for me, its all about you, the reader.  See you next time, whenever it is that I get around to it.  See you then ;)

speaking of call outs...what was her name? neatia? i have no idea. real cute though so at least good taste..? that's all cuz this is a public website

back to the stuff:

k i guess an update on what we've been doing and then the actual good stuff that hundreds flock here to see. but logistics first. i'ma do it backward cuz that stuff's clearer in my mind.

david's "model it up" workshop. literally. apron and all. he did a demo on different techniques with modeling adn how you can use common sense but also creative sense to EFFICIENTLY make your models professionally and fairly quickly. i thought about that cheap, good, fast thing and how you can only have 2 of them. but maybe with these magical tips you can actually get all.

speaking in this way, i'm confused on who this blog is for...we do it for class, so i guess i shouldn't write "david" if he reads it--but it'd be way weirder to say it in the (second?) person. w/e. i see it as something i'll keep up later and kind of as writing semi to the world or ppl and semi for an online journal i guess. good intent. sorry side note. 

right, so--i kept that handout so read it if you want (carolyn) but basically some highlights were get this for the shop:

• sweet eye wear
• pencil/pen (i like those fat carpenters ones)
• FINALIZED drawings (we're talking after the rough out the shape phase; this is game phase)
• caliper thing to quick measure
• a cool (what IS cool?) home depot tool belt canvas thing i have
• steel toe boots          ? optional

That Big Mac? I payed for it.
That apple pie? My money again.
The gas it took for me to drive all the way to your house just to listen to you nagging me for twenty minutes on the way to McDonalds about how I'm too broke to take you to Red Lobster? I siphoned that shit myself!

So how come the second I start making some real change, the only change you make is switching from "your paycheck ain't enough!" to "our butler came by today and asked for a raise!"

You see me calling the only thing you contribute to the relationship, "our pussy?" Naw, I try to keep it respectful and call it your cock socket. And this is the thanks I get?

Listen, how bout this...

You get ourselves a job and pay our bills.

Don't want to? Fine. Just remember, next time you feel an O in your throat that you want to spit out and it wasn't just me emptying a nut clip...

Bitch, that's a mistake!

J. Churton Collins

Q typed coolly,"I was young and I wasn't getting enough love from anyone."

"Isn't that a sorry excuse?"

"Yes, but I had to learn the hard way."

With that, Q left the conversation.

We are left to wonder, why do girls, WE, girls, allow ourselves to even be in the situation. Is it because there lives a faint light, that he will change for you? Or is it because we are afraid to be alone or lonely. Hmm, or maybe you think you deserve it? Or perhaps, like me, qmatahari, we love these people so much that to the point of being blind to their faults. I am someone who doesn't like confrontations and I will avoid them as much as possible. I was also a coward and I was afraid of what would happen if I left or rant it all out.

Now, Q mentioned she wasn't getting enough love.

Love is probably one of the hardest words to define, given the fact that we all have our variations of love. Love is a very simple feeling, we are able to make more of it and give it to anyone we want (family, friends and even objects with sentimental values.)

I'm not that hyped out about getting boyfriend, I am a serial dater because mainly I'm more interested in friendship than intimacy. My love comes from my family and my friends so I rarely feel that I don't get enough love.

If you are having problems with your family and you don't have much friends, its understandable to want a lover. But you are forgetting someone that's way more important and someone that will never ever leave and that person is you.

Loving yourself doesn't make you selfish. It is building that internal self worth, the very core of your being that will never shake or falther no matter what others do and say about you. If this boy uses you and abuses you emotionally, never forget who you are.

When you love yourself enough, you will know that you deserve someone better.

And when you do, you will pull away from the relationship. It is going to be hard because maybe this boy has certain good qualities and you stayed for them. Isn't love all about giving and taking and accepting one's flaws? Well, that is true BUT a man who loves you will never beat you, will never belittle you and he won't take advantage of you either.

Leave the relationship, pull away and tell yourself that you don't need him. You are worth more than a casual fling or a random fuck. It is just so hard to do that, eh? You don't need pain, you don't need the criticisms. Unlike you, who has accepted his flaws, he clearly hasn't accept yours.

Love and respect yourself people!

I hope I made some sense here because I am so sleepy, I have half a mind to hold my eyelids up with double sided tape.

We Have Spoken

This week I witnessed one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen in my whole life.  A chipmunk ran right into the waiting paws of a cat!  Poor chipmunk.  I know how it feels.

My neighbor's cat and a chipmunk were both in the street as I was driving out of my neighborhood.  This cat has fully embraced his predatory nature, and he had probably been toying with the chipmunk for a while.  I am sure the chipmunk was already disoriented from that experience.  The cat saw me coming and crossed the street, stopping to rest under a car.  The chipmunk finally decided that getting out of the way of my minivan was a good idea, so it staggered across the street, under the car, and ran right into the belly of the cat!  Bam!  It bounced off the cat's belly, tried to run, but was stopped by a furry paw.  The cat didn't act surprised at all, calmly picking up the helpless chipmunk by the tail with his teeth and trotting across the street with his prize.  It was almost like he expected it!  "HA!  The little chipmunk fell right into my evil trap!"  That's right, I said EVIL.  Not a big cat fan, gotta be honest with you.  And yes, I realize that chipmunks are very similar to mice, but this chipmunk was NOT in my house, so therefore I felt sorry for him... unlike the mice in my garage whose demise I recently orchestrated.  I guess in that case I was the cat, but I digress. 

Poor chipmunk.  I bet it was thinking, "Are you KIDDING me???!!??"  I immediately had to call a friend and say, "You won't believe what I just saw!"  And then I started to wonder... how many times have I been that chipmunk?  I could SO relate!

I think we all have been there.  Sometimes life can be tough.  We face problem after problem and try to cope, but after a while it wears us down.  And then, in our exhausted delirium, we make a big mistake.  Just when we think things can't get any worse we run right into the paws of the cat!   "Are you KIDDING me???!!??"  It might be something small, like the time I stayed up way too late to pack for a work trip and was already exhausted... and then broke a glass on the wooden steps so I had to stay up EVEN LATER to clean it (there were many tears that night).  Or all the times I am running late and in my efforts to hurry my children out the door I yell at them and they start to cry, making everyone feel horrible AND us even more late! 

It can also be big things.  Life takes a difficult turn, and then as a result we might start making some bad choices.  Choices like maybe drinking to help dull the pain, which can cause problems at work & problems at home, which causes more pain, which causes more drinking...  It can be a tough cycle to break.

I wish the chipmunk had been able to take a moment to regain its composure before having to avoid my car.  Things might have tuned out better.  But truthfully the fast pace of life doesn't usually slow down for us to take a "time-out".  Instead we get stuck in reactionary flight mode, and sometimes run from one danger into an even greater danger.  It reminds me of what they say in Batman Begins, "You never did learn to mind your surroundings!"

I hope this little story, and the fate of that poor creature, has given you something to think about.  If only just for today, please don't be that chipmunk!  Remember to stop, take a deep breath, and look both ways before you cross the street.

If current trends hold up, John McCain will be losing this election. This is contrary to an earlier posted prediction where I indicate that McCain will win with 274 electoral votes to Obama’s 264. I extrapolate on this prediction by adding that John McCain will win the presidency through the electoral college but he will lose the popular vote. 

However; current trends have emboldened many liberals and left leaning radicals to the point of posting many overconfident, cocky and even outrageous comments. Many of these comments insinuate that conservatives and Republicans are now desperate because of Barack Obama’s electoral prospects. They even suggest that the possible Obama victory vindicates them and their liberal policies.

Well I have a newsflash for them. While they now, pat themselves on the back, they are also sticking their heads up their collective behinds and victory does not mean vindication, it only offers the opportunity for vindication.

They do not realize that with victory comes responsibility. They neglect to reflect on what they have accomplished since they took control of congress almost two years ago. Nothing.  They neglect to understand that if they win the election, they also win the responsibility to put their rhetoric into the practical application of government.

If they do win this election, liberals and Barack Obama will have to fund and implement their 1.2 trillion dollars worth of government programs. They will have to defend our nation against foreign and domestic threats and reign over an economy that is sound, stable and growing. They will have to meet our energy needs while moving us to a new, natural, efficient and healthier energy platform.

All of these things and more will need to be done and I for one vow to support the President that we elect. I will do so because whoever wins, he will be the President, our President, and his success is our success. Unlike liberal Bush haters, I will stop throwing stones at Obama not because he is Barack Obama but because he is the President. I may be a Republican but that does not supersede my being an American and I benefit more from a good President being in office than I do from any kind of Democrat or Republican being President.

Yet, from a strictly Republican perspective, contrary to liberal accusations, I do not fear Obama becoming President. My faith in my nation is strong and I know that no one person defines my nation and no one person can irrevocably change my nation or it‘s direction. Furthermore, it is my belief, that given that chance, Barack Obama will do for Republicans what they have not been able to do for themselves,…..win.

When liberals are given the chance to put their money where their mouths are, they fall short and apart. They are fractured in ideology and efforts and are incapable of leadership. A look at Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi proves this point.

Another case in point is 1994. After two years of the Bill and Hillary presidency, Republicans took control of both houses of Congress. It was the first time in over forty years that they took control of the house of representatives. They were dramatic upheavals and it took the example of liberal in action to bring it about.

Given these facts, I expect one of the largest lurches back to the right in history after the ultra liberal administration of a Barack Obama gets to work with the radical left leadership of a Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.  Do I hope for an incompetent government? No, I don’t. My country is more important than my party. My country is what I live in and for.  My party is merely the ideological tool  that I try to apply to make my nation better.

Just as my nation, my party, is not defined by any one person and I may disagree with it’s direction from time to time. In fact I have several issues with my party. Their lack of direction on issues such as spending and immigration are just two examples. Their collective taking for granted their leadership in congress in the years before they lost control in 2006 is another. But unlike liberals, Republicans tend to learn from their mistakes, whereas liberals tend to repeat them.

So the possibility of losing this election does not change my belief in the ideology of my party and it does not make me bitter over my nation. Unlike famed liberals, who in the past, have suggested that they were leaving the country if Bush was elected, I won’t leave my nation if Obama is elected. I will not turn my back on my beliefs or lose my love for America. I will, however wish my President, whoever it is, the best, offer my opinion and deal with the effects that his leadership brings us.  And as a typical American, if he screws up, I will be shouting the errors of his ways from the highest mountain tops and preparing to defeat those screw ups in the next election. In any event, I surely do hope that our next President can create a stronger economy, secure our borders, thwart terrorism and allow us to thrive as Americans. Why would I not?  Whether a Republican or a Democrat continues to achieve that, I win. We all win.

So of course I wish for that, regardless of which candidate wins. But until that winner is determined I will continue to support the candidate whom I believe is most likely to succeed in those areas.  I do not see Obama as being that success and although McCain was not my first choice, I believe he is the best choice.  It is my greatest hope that a Barack Obama administration does not deliver the same type of defense and economy that a Jimmy Carter administration brought us.  Unfortunately, I do not see Obama any different from Jimmy Carter….except for one difference….. Carter had more experience than Obama. 

So before liberals prematurely gloat over any potential campaign victory, they should take a deep breath and pray that they are capable of doing the job and reconciling reality with the myth of their words. Oh, wait,…. I’m sorry……to suggest prayer is consider politically incorrect by liberals, so let me rephrase that and write “hope” that they are capable of doing the job and reconciling reality with the myth of their words.

HOW WASHINGTON WORKS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

Not cool.

Shit, I've had a girl make it a point to show me her freshly shaved legs, while conveniently forgetting to warn me of the Amazon clone currently residing above her penis sleeve. She caught a dude so off guard I probably ended up with a Peyton Manning face.

Listen, I got shit to do with my life and I still find the time needed to nuke the Netherlands. Women have time slots built into their schedules just for shaving their legs! So, ladies, next time your thinkin it might be cool to shave the legs but skip the carpet bombing, just remember...

Bitch, that's a mistake!

"I had to look at their little cooking corpses today."

"It tastes like dirty chicken."

"Can you promise we'll never make these again?"

"I think you are both barbarians."

"We don't need to look at that." (said while throwing away the grey matter inside the birds.)

"[Dry-heave noises]"

"Cheep, Cheep"

If you or someone you know is in a similar situation to ours, please consider more supportive statements.

Now, as I am reading through this, it seems that there is a majority of scientists who are now attuning to Nature.  I like this, “The increase in global carbon dioxide emissions is not just damaging the Earth's climate, but also threatening the very fabric of our oceans.”  

First of all, we are not learning from our mistakes. We are also not taking more direct and unwavering action. Apparently, that is only reserved for the bankers on Wall Street to suck us, the common folk, dry.  Dry of what exactly?  Last time I checked they were not a purple people eaters, but a human being too that relied on the environment to sustain them.  Shelter, food, and well you know the capability to live. Yet as with all things we as human beings have grown accustomed too, we look to the dollar to sustain us.  Common folk out there, hee-hee, you might be able to burn it for firewood here soon! Ha!

Second, is this an admission to global warming, that other scientists continue to attempt to debunk?? Face it and start now. When you were a kid or even five years ago, a summer was a summer and a winter was a winter, and there was no doubt about how it felt outside. We are beginning to see and feel (back to the five senses again) a totally different atmosphere from this planet we live on. 

Onward, The Nature Conservancy and top marine scientists want to actually tackle the “ocean acidification”.  How long have we, the apes with no fur, but big brain J, known that our oceans are toxic? Answer: A long time. 

(1) Heck, there was just an article out about the trash in our oceans – TONS and the millions of dollars it would take to clean it up. (2) Beach signs during the summer saying “no swimming due to …” (3) Blooms of algae and dead zones – that keep getting bigger.  

Guess what? When you see trash – pick it up.  When you see a six-pack, plastic holder, un-cut ----cut it up.  When you see it needs to be done – do it.  There are OBVIOUS, small steps that we can take, without government “action” (due to the inaction that are obvious) to clean up.  You start in your own home.  That is the most effective way to achieve what has to be done.  Demand that your town, your home, your environment – have recycling centers and organize groups to clean up roadside trash.  If they will not do it because the budget “cannot allow for it”, go out and start something on your own – BUT do the research first to do it right the first time.    

Back on subject, again…Oceans have had the Great Barrier Reef – the Caribbean Reef – and all these other priceless pieces of Natural art, ecosystems, and biodiversity of life screaming for help over a number of years.  Read a National Geographic. Animals show intelligence in these places – it is there home!  How is it we do not even respect our own? Pardon me. I am upset for our environment.  I know that the impacts are far more reaching than what anyone knows right now.  So, with that I move forward….

“Two major strategies emerged as the backbone of the Declaration resulting from the workshop:
•    Limit fossil fuel emissions - stabilization of atmospheric CO2 is the most logical step to address ocean acidification impacts; and
•    Build the resilience of tropical marine ecosystems and communities to maximize their ability to resist and recover from climate change impacts, including ocean acidification.”

While the above is all well and good, we have businesses that do not wish to curb the harmful emissions.  We walk the streets and travel to work everyday guys. How are your lungs holding up during the waking hours in a city?  Smell a difference in the air? Yuck.

More children and elderly people, with breathing and upper respiratory infections – seems kind of odd doesn’t? How in the word will a bunch of scientists, get the businesses of the World to stop polluting our environments with harmful emissions (otherwise known as greenhouse gases). Please note:  I classify greenhouse gases as anything that should not be inhaled into your lungs that will cause your lungs and/or body harm over time.

Ah – Time.  Didn’t see the results of that first cigarette did you?  But you sure saw a difference after say…five years.  Time. 

Why must we sit around and talk, talk, talk, about things we knew about twenty years ago? Always with the talk, and limited and/or lack of continual education to the general public.  Ever heard an elder person, country person, or farmer, talk about how things use to grow or be?  Same thing – different generation that did not learn or listen. 

What does all of this mean for mankind?  Rotate the general knowledge that is out there, and see the patterns.  What do you see? How and where did the alarms go off, but we failed to listen? 

(Oh and please notice how when you click on the link, or read the article, that the first three steps – yeah they are the same but re-worded.  Freaky.  I would have gotten an “F” from the professor if I tried those shenanigans.)

While the “Honolulu Declaration” was being discussed and presented, the World Conservation Congress in Barcelona had a little meeting.  What was the topic of discussion? The animals that face extinction and the results it could mean for us.  http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081007/sc_afp/environmentbiodiversityspeciesdisease <-- Link

“But perhaps the greatest threat will come from emerging infectious diseases as a result of changing temperatures and rainfall levels."

Multiply the swiftness of the common flu with unknown wind patterns, and ocean currents due to the climate change.  This is a scary thought of just how quick the World population will dwindle.  Damn – here it is as I re-read it - "Disease has always had a role to play in affecting populations, but now we are seeing diseases that are highly pathogenic," he told AFP.

We know what happens when a building, or trees, are cleared – rodents and animals run.  Rodents flood into the next best thing they can find.  Eeek!  Very bad mojo if you ask me, yet we just talk about it and do nothing about it. The bubonic plague --- ?? The outbreak of the Hanta Virus? It still happens. 

Finally, “Any disturbance in the environment shows up in wildlife because they don't adapt very quickly or easily," he said. With what we know, and what we do not know, how will the World react when there are no animals? I have touched on this subject before – in much, much earlier entries onto this blog.  People, it is never too late, till one day it is too late. Save the environment = Saving mankind -- This is balance.

**Next on Breetreport** The Ozone Hole ;)

There I was, happily probing system after system, on the hunt for a gravimetric site. Exploring is to mining what mining is to... other things. You drop a probe, you click analyze and then you, basically, wait. Doing this whilst my corp mates are not logged on makes it a very dull experience indeed.

After a few systems I did strike gold, or atleast some kind of ore. A gravimetric site found, the hunt was on.

I'm going to try and explain the basics of exploration here. Please note that I'm by no means an expert, and if the subject interests you, you ought to check out the guide on exploration found on the EVE-online forums. Really.

1. Drop one multispectral probe in the system. Click scan and wait.
2. If probe doesn't find anything, move on and begin from step 1. If probe finds a signature that you want to find, move along.
3. Drop a quest probe of the right kind (in my case gravimetric) so that you cover every planet in the system. This is a bit of a mini-game; you can't drop a probe within the range of another probe, but you still want as good coverage over the planets as possible. And when planets (as the ones close to the system's star tend to be) are close to each other, this creates a conundrum. Solve that puzzle, and scan, using all quest probes at the same time.
4. Repeat scanning using all quest probes until you find the site.
5. Once you find the site you get a result that is so and so accurate. Could be 0.6 AU from the site, it could be 1.8AU from the site proper. Warp to the result given to you.
6. Chose probe size depending on the accuracy from former result. If the result is <0.5AU accurate, use a sift probe. If it's 0.5AU-1.0AU you use a comb probe. Between 1.0 and 2.0 you use a pursuit probe.
7. Drop proper probe and begin scanning. Repeat until new result, that's hopefully more accurate than the last one. Warp to that result, choose proper probe.
8. Repeat ad nauseum or until you get to the site.

Now, I screwed up. In my defense I'd like to point out that I was doing the dishes and DT was approaching, so I was a bit distracted. But what I did was, that instead of launching a probe with better accuracy in step 5 as I should have done, I used a quest probe, again. Meaning that when I got the next result, the deviation happened to be bigger than the result I had gotten before. This was when distraction gave way to stupidity, because I happily warped towards this new result, without wondering how suddenly I had a result with a 1.9UA deviation, when the last one had been accurate within 0.8AU.

Somewhere mid-warp it hit me. Weeeeeell shit.

DT quickly approaching I deployed a pursuit probe and tried to scan down the site. And again. And again. No luck and DT swallowed me up. I did manage to, this time, bookmark the location of this new, albeit suckier, result, and also noted which planet it was close by.

After DT I made sure that the Gravimetric site was still around (exploration sites come and go, so even if you can't find a site in system X today, you might be able to tomorrow. Don't know if there's a system to this though). Multispectral analysis says yes. Figuring I'll play it safe, or some like that, I place myself at the planet and fire up a quest probe. It's one of the outer planets, so there's no risk of the original results having been close to any of the other planets, the closest one being some 15 AU away, and any probe at that planet would've been unable to pick up the signal all the way to here.

Basically, I'm scanning as I type, meaning I've got time to type. Each scan for me takes over 6 minutes. That sucks. Improving the skill Signal Acquisition cuts that time down by 10% per level. The skill Astrometric Triangulation improves the strength of the probes (or some such), making it more likely to get a result at all. Finally the skill Astrometric Pinpointing cuts down the deviation of any results given.

Now, according to the guide the skill Signal Acquisition is must-have. But I'm thinking... whilst Signal Acquisition can shorten the scantime, the other skills can actually allow for skipping one or several scan cycles altogether. Instead of going from quest to pursuit to comb to sift, I could go straight from quest to sift. And instead of scanning 4-5 times without any result at all, maybe I can get a result on the 2nd try, or maybe even, dare I say it, the 1st?

But this is really just a thought experiment as things are now. I've got my skillplan and I'm sticking to it. The Obelisk will be mine.

I've decided that quest probes are for wusses and have warped to the result I bookmarked before DT, hoping to get some joy out of a pursuit probe instead. The last result I got was some 1.9AU accurate. A pursuit probe has a range of 2AU, and double the sensor strength than a quest probe, thus increasing my chances of a result. Or so one would think.

Paranoia is getting to me, growing stronger with each failed scan cycle. Did I screw up somewhere along the line? Do I need to place down quest probes all over the planets again, see if I can find the site again that way? Did the site I found vanish during DT, and another gravimetric site take its place, somewhere else in the system?

Of course, no sooner do I type that before I get this:

Warping to that result I arm my probe launcher with sift probes. 1 AU is almost 150 million kilometres, so 3 million kilometres is almost right on top of the signature, relatively speaking. And the sift probe has the strongest scanning strenght, meaning that it should only take one scan cycle to give me this:

Now all that's left for me to do is to warp over to the grav site, behold the glory, and make sure to bookmark it. Next up, wait for corp mates to get on so we can share the spoils :)

And still no EON #13 in the mail. I'm starting to fear they've forgotten about me :(

Currently training: Gallente Industrial V (10 days 6 hours remaining)

--------------

Update: well, RL interfered, and it took me some 5h before I could get online again. Collected some omber mining crystals, recruited a corp mate, and off we went. Of course, by now someone else had also found the grav site, so it turned into a bit of competition to get as much of the ore as possible. Oh well.

It's one of my babies. .. still heavily under construction, but it has enough content for now to spend some time & get more than a few laughs.

The site is divided by categories: game shows, newscasts, prank calls, shopping networks, sports & tv shows

Check it out & feel free to comment.

I am still slightly stuck in my bitter and restless little world from yesterday.  It is pathetic and I know it, but I am unable to climb out of it completely. 

Anyway, I possibly had one of the weirdest days ever.  Besides already feeling like shit I ran into a guy I used to date who is completely psycho.  Like restraining order psycho.  I felt a little ill when I saw him and I just wanted to disappear.  

Pressing assault charges isn't fun or easy.  But then it also isn't fun to get pushed around by some guy with an out of control temper.  One night psycho guy showed up at my apartment and pretty much flipped out (depite the fact that we hadn't been dating for almost a month) because I had some guy friends over. I am not sure how everything happened but it did and soon I wound up in court (thank god that my roomies went with me).  While waiting at the courthouse I couldn't help but wonder how I ended up in such a situation (yes the word trash was floating around in my mind).  In the end the only answer I could come up with was that it was just one of the billions of mistakes that I made during my freshmen year of college.

I always learn the hard way.

Reader beware: if you are male, you might hate me after reading this.

A little introduction:
The summer after studying/working in London I tried (and failed) to maintain my tolerance.  In London, we partied nonstop, and 5 straight shots of vodka was considered pre-game.  Being home meant ZERO alcohol as I was only 20 & living with my strict parents.  Unfortunately, I figured my tolerance would remain the same despite the 2months sans alcohol. (ah to be young & stupid!)

Mr. Opportunity studied London same the semester. We were no more than poker buddies with a common high school.  When we went abroad, we realized we had tons in common and met up in central on several occasions.  Lots in common - but no spark.  When we returned stateside, he showed interest (which I encouraged until I met Indie).  By the time of this story, I had told him twice already that I only wanted to be friends.

Music Festival Mishaps
My cousin (aka former Roomie) invited me down to the city for a weekend during the huge two week long music festival.  Our game plan was to drink-til-drunk at the boyfriend's and then walk to the festival grounds to catch some band or other.  CL & Mr.Opportunity joined us.

7:00 - Vodka mixed drinks & vodka shots - heavy on the vodka. I was determined to show off my rockin tolerance.  Sure enough, I could still drink vodka like water.  Rum & gin were introduced to the night.  I remained seated for the majority of this time - excepting a few dance offs to Africa by Toto.   Mr.Opportunity used his position seated next to me to continually try to put his arm around me.  I'd swat it away every time.

Drink count: NINE

9:30 - We downed our last drinks before heading to the festival.  We are all wasted, but I'm the worst. My last full memory is of nearly falling as I stood up & grabbed my purse.  From here on out the story is what I've been told by CL, Roomie, & Mr. Opportunity. 

Mr.O takes charge of walking me to the festival grounds.  As we walk & talk, he keeps putting his arm around me and trying to kiss me.  I have a fleeting memory of standing in the middle of the sidewalk makeing out with him then pushing him away and telling him off for kissing me.  This happened all night. He'd kiss me - I'd go along with it - Push him away - Get angry & Tell him off - He'd kiss me again... and on and on.

10:00 - The gate to the grounds is in sight. It suddenly occurs to me that my purse is no longer on my shoulder.  It's GONE. I yell to alert group to this disaster, take off my flipflops & bolt in the opposite direction.

10-11:00 - Spent chasing around the edge of the grounds trying to find the woman who had found my purse and brought it to the police setup.  CL & Mr.O were holding me up.  Roomie & her boyfriend were in ExtremeFightMode.

11:30 - Get purse back. It still has my Coach wallet, credit cards, social security card, digital camera, & cell phone.  Missing:  $50 cash.

Roomie chases her boyfriend home where they scream & chuck shoes at each other before having sex & passing out.

CL & Mr. O attempt to get a cab.  This whole time I am still in the cyclical Makeout/TellOff/Makeout/TellOff.  (encourage/discourage? crazy much?)

Midnight - Cab arrives.  As we drive to Mr. O's apt, I proceed to tell him off again for touching/kissing/bothering me.  To express my anger, I punch him in the junk. 

Yes. You can hate me now.

12:20 - There's a party happening at Mr.O's place.  I spend time in the bathroom puking my guts out while CL tells me nice things. She helps me brush my teeth, and we go back out to the party.

2:00ish - Three of us crash in Mr.O's room.  He & I are sharing his air mattress (classy) and CL curls up on the floor in a corner.   The corner complains "omg. Will you two STOP making out and GO TO SLEEP" several times.  We dont.*  She doesn't leave the room.

??? - I tell Mr.O that I want to have sex but with a boyfriend.  I tell him I want a boyfriend.  He asks if I like him.  I say No.**

Morning - Corner says "omg. You two would NOT stop making out last night. Not cool."  I say "Where's my skirt?"

Don't be a Jonze

*OMG. OMG. Who the fuck makes out with a girl with no memory who has just spent the last hour throwing up???? AND punches them in the junk? disgusting.
** Somehow this was interpreted as I wanted him to be my boyfriend... not sure how.

Real Strength

Here is what the Lord told me, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size – abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (The Message)

You know these phrases, “Only the strong shall survive” and “You have to be strong” and others.

And there is this whole school of thought that we have to teach everyone, especially kids, to hide, ignore, and avoid their weaknesses – only emphasize our strengths. How many times do we hear parents tell children, “Don’t cry” or “Stop crying”?

To be weak or to acknowledge weakness is associated with defeat. From NFL stadiums, to office cubicles to schoolyards, with our health, and even in churches, there cannot be any weakness – we just can’t have it. Right???

Somewhere along the way we learn or are taught that weakness is something to be hidden or avoided.

We have to be strong (whether we feel like it or not) and we have to project strength (whether true or not).

We have to cover up weaknesses so that no one knows.

Why?

Maybe it’s because we equate our strength with our sense of control. If we are strong, we come to believe that we control life to a certain extent.

Maybe it’s because weakness makes us and other feel uncomfortable. Maybe it makes us all feel like there is something wrong; especially if the “normative” state of things is “everything is ok, I am ok.”

Maybe it’s because in the times of our lives when we have felt weak, it just feels terrible and we never want to feel like that again.

I had an appendicitis when I was 23. I was lying on the floor of Jenny’s college apartment (we had plans to go to the Jersey shore for the weekend), writhing with the cramps that accompany a near-bursting appendix. And Jenny was on the phone with my Dad (EMT) who was trying to do an over the phone diagnosis. But the experience is something I will never forget. I felt so weak and broken. And about an hour later they carried me down the stairs in a stretcher – nothing of my own strength or power.

But you know, it’s not just a physical ailment that has the experience of weakness. When we lose a job or on the brink of losing a job we feel powerless. When loved ones are going through difficult times (they feel weak) but so do we as we can only watch (and pray). What about having a disease that takes life and living away? What about being one of the only people in your family or circle of friends who has an addiction and feeling like you can’t tell anyone? When people struggle with loneliness and just can’t find people to connect with. And you and I can think of many more scenarios in which people feel weak, but somehow still feel the need to project strength.

But then there is this idea from Paul.

“Here is what the Lord told me, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size – abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (The Message)

It’s opposite day!

Glad to let weaknesses happen? Taking limitations such as abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks, in stride and with good cheer?

All based on the strength of Christ coming into its own in our weakness? In other words, we would never know the strength of Christ unless we acknowledge that we are weak.

But isn’t this dangerous? What if we acknowledged that we weren’t strong enough? What if we opened up and told people that we are weak? Wouldn’t people look at us differently and distance themselves?

They might. But hear Paul’s words again. “The weaker I get, the stronger I become.” It’s the very opposite of what we think and do.

Remember this, to save us, Jesus, the Son of God, Second Person of the Trinity, didn’t overwhelm enemies with His power (which He could have). How did He save us? By dying on the cross. It overturned (and still does today) all the worldly thinking of strength and power. God’s grace and power were fully evident in the powerless One on the cross, His death and the resurrection.  

Rejoicing in our defeats and weaknesses because it is in and through them that God is more evident and we find real strength. Celebrating when we are down and crushed because we know that Christ is going to do something amazing through it – and that it will be visible. Delighting in our mistakes and failures because that is when I am going to experience what it is really like to need and know God.  

When we truly depend on Him (and let go of our strength and power) – that is when we find real strength for life and for living.

It just might make all the difference. We have tried and tried on our own strength – sometimes it works, often it doesn’t. And when it hasn’t we just live in the illusion that our strength was enough.

But as Dr. Phil would say, “Is that working for you?”

God bless you today. I am praying that this might be “opposite day” for you.

Amen.

Discussion Questions

1. Why do we find it so hard to acknowledge needing God and others?
2. Can you remember where you learned about “being strong”? How has that shaped your life?
3. Have there been times when you have felt weak but thanks to God, have been strong?
4. What is one area of your life that you can say today – I am weak and I need help from God and others?