I sometimes think I have not changed. I feel I am still the same, only enchained in a cold prison, unable to connect. It is all because of my depression. I realize it now. It all began in the early Spring. Later when I talked to a doctor, she explained that depressions often manifest in the transition seasons, as she called them. Those are lovely Spring and the fleeing Fall, understandably so.

Once I came back to my home country and entered into a darker period of excruciating emotions, I was convinced I was truly, clinically depressed. After some time filled with sadness, unhappy emotions, and often crying, I went to see a doctor. The session was amazing. It was as if she knew exactly what I was talking about. She said it was a light depression and asked me if I wanted to begin medical treatment or not. At this moment, my condition was really really bad, with all these feeling tormenting me inside and therefore I started taking pills - something I am not ashamed of. And the situation brightened. I could feel the sun once more. I didn't feel great all of a sudden, and the process took some time. Nonetheless, I could sense and hope that I could be happy again. The treatment seemed successful and I haven't felt so good in months, perhaps almost an year. Until last Monday. Then I was really down, moody, and hopeless.

In truth it was not as bad as before I began taking the little red pills (they really are red), but still I was so scared, as I am now, that my depression will return and. Fear is something terrible to live with. It not only prevents you from doing the things you want, but also deprives you of the opportunity to live a full life. I want to believe that this darkened period is happening, because I am falling ill, and because I have so much free time on my hands that I don't know what to do with it.

Last year, we had a project in my First Year Seminar, where we had to make a PostSecret card. Then everyone put their card in a box and they were all read, but no one knew who each card belonged to. I made a really sad card:

I still feel connected to it somehow. I still think this is one of the many fears that fester in my heart.
This story has perhaps no point, but I tried to lash out all the thoughts in my head. Anyway, I know, I do not want to be alone and I want to be happy. After all, isn't it happiness we are all searching for.

Last, what unnerves me is that I had no desire to write when I felt better and I do now. Why is this happening?

The story goes like this... I feel alone. Granted I am in the process of making an important transition in my life - I moved on not only to college (higher education) but also to an entirely different country, to an entirely different continent. Moreover even though my first year of college is already behind me, I feel as if I haven't adjusted to my new life yet. So with me being completely independent and doing everything myself, away from loved onces and close friends, I have began to experience loneliness. Surely, I have found new friends and so many people totally adore me, how could I feel so alone? I guess, this was the sensation that helped my inner demons gain strength and put me in this situation, where I simply feel bad. And sometimes I even feel worse :(

Those last few months have been really stressful. I feel confused. I feel I do not know who I am and what I want anymore. I would venture to guess that I need a relationship, a significant other to be with. I don't want to acknowledge this fact, because I am shy, nervous, uncertain, and inexperienced in those matters. The truth is, I simply do not know what to do :) Funny, eh? The other problem is that I don't know what I am into and I really don't know how to find out for certain.

Just tonight it dawned on me! I am so disturbed of late, that I thought my friends have abandoned me, that they do not love me anymore, that I do not mean anything to them. But that is a lie, a misconception, an idiotism... My closest friends are certainly there when I call them. They are happy when they see me. They are there and that's most important...

Another thing that I think will do me good is variety. I just need a change, need to do something different, to meet new people. Nonetheless, I don't know what I want in that regard. But I guess I will meet that hot boy, go to this gay club with him and just see what happens. Which will be hard considering my work shifts until the end of this month :(

Anyway, I've been feeling better these days. Furthermore, I intend to grab a hold of myself, to live and relax :) After all, I can be feeling good once in a while, even here, even alone :D That's what I am going to do :D

Телефонът не звъни. Skype-ът не пищи. Никой не чука на вратата. Чувствам се сам. Нямам какво да правя и това наистина ме убива. Малко по-малко, ден след ден... Имам чувството, че съм забравен от всички, от всичко.

Вечерите е най-гадно. Тогава наистина усещаш самотата. Онзи ден беше много изразено. Стана тъмно, родителите си легнаха, брат ми беше nowhere to be found. Бях изгасил лампите. Единствената светлина идваше от екарана на лаптопа, към който почти не обръщах глава. Никой не ми писа. Гледах навън. Гърдите ми се стегнаха. Дойдоха лошите мисли, слабостта, параноята. Психирах се. Сега разбрах В. като ми казваше, че просто не иска да е сам в тези моменти... Но той си има О.

Беше ме страх да остана сам, но осъзнах, че нямаше на кого да се обадя...

Тъмно е... Ходих на mall... Мислех, че ще ме разведри... Уви, не стана... Само чаках другите да се напазаруват... Само чаках, мислех и мечтах...

Тъмно е... Сам съм... Седмицата е отвратителна... Не ми е добре... Няма никого... Какво да правя... Трябва и да уча... Утре съм и на работа... Как да издържа...

Тъмно е... Сам съм... Никой не ме чува... Няма кой да ме прегърне... Няма кой да ме разведри... Няма кой да ми каже, че всичко ще е наред... Няма...

Тъмно е... Няма ли край тъмнината...